With David’s deployment coming up in a few short days, I’ve been thinking a lot about my friendships. I have invested all of my extra time to our family these last few months, knowing the time we have left with David was so limited. I hope my friends who I haven’t seen or talked to in a while can understand that, especially since I need my friendships now more than ever. So, I’m kind of laying it all out there with this post. I hope it hits home for some people reading, whether I even know you personally or not, and whether you’re a friend of a new mom, a new mom, soon to be mom, etc. here it goes:
Dear friends of new moms,
You may be feeling at this point as if you’ve lost an old friend, thanks to the newest addition to her family. She doesn’t respond to texts as fast as she used to (and may even forget to respond at all), she can’t go out and do a lot of the fun things you used to do together, and to make matters worse, she doesn’t even seem all that concerned about it. Rude.
This letter is a plea to please, for the love of all things, try to not take it personally. You may not be able to control feeling hurt, and those feelings may be very valid, but I assure you that your friend really does need you now more than ever. She may be dealing with postpartum mental health problems, but even if she’s one of the lucky ones that isn’t, I can guarantee she’s still feeling overwhelmed and isolated. Motherhood is lonely, and for most new moms that feeling is very unexpected. Here we thought we’d be getting a cute little buddy to do everything with and even though we knew it would be stressful, overwhelming, and incredibly hard, lonely is the last thing many of us were expecting to feel. We need our friends, even though we might not have the guts – or the time, honestly – to pick up the phone and tell you that. We don’t want to bother you, or subject you to hanging out with a baby if you don’t want to. But we do miss you so very much, and we need our friends.
If you care about your friendships lasting despite your friend having a baby, check in on them. Offer to come sit with the baby so they can take a shower or do the dishes or eat a hot meal. And please don’t stop this once the baby isn’t a fresh and squishy newborn anymore. We needed it then and we STILL need it. Coming once to see the baby and never coming again sends a not-so-nice message to your friend, whether you mean to or not.
Invite them to do the things you used to do, even if you’re pretty sure they won’t be able to go – trust me, just getting an invite will make her day – and don’t get upset if she can’t. And if she CAN go, even if you swear whatever it is, it’s baby-friendly, don’t ask them to bring the baby just so you can see them. If they were able to find a sitter, they’re probably elated to get out of the house alone and hang out with their friends! If you want to see the baby, go to their house and see the baby, and lend a helping hand like I suggested.
Lastly, celebrate them and their baby if you want to nurture this friendship! Assuming your friend was there to celebrate your big moments, like your graduations, bridal showers, weddings, etc., not having the biggest moment of their lives celebrated by you too is hurtful. Again, even if you didn’t mean for it to, that sends a message to your friend that they’re just no longer all that important to you, and it’s hard not to feel that it’s because they just had to go and have a baby. It might be hard to believe how busy your new-mom-friend might be, but they really are. Their time and effort is especially limited now, and they’re much more likely to get excited to celebrate the friends that celebrated them and stuck by them through this amazing, life-changing thing than those that didn’t.
Remember all the fun times you had with your friend pre-baby, and know that fun times are still in store for your friendship if you can stick this out with her. And who knows? One day soon you might be joining her in the New Mom Club and suddenly realize what they were feeling all along. Hopefully by then you’ll still have your best friends to celebrate you and check in on you and nurture your friendship once it’s harder for you to be a good friend to them.
Sincerely,
A new mom who really misses her friends
Life, the Libertys and the Pursuit of Happiness 